Friday, February 28, 2014

Proof That I Am A Cyclist....

As both of you, my readers, know....and as I tell anyone that will listen, I am a cyclist. And not just an ordinary cyclist, I'm a committed cyclist that has worked long and hard to train my body into the cycling machine that you now see before you.

Now, if by some chance you've met me and haven't had the pleasure of hearing me regale you to no end about my cycling adventures and accomplishments, I apologize. I fully realize this is a failure on my part and your life is considerably diminished because of this error.

So, being as I stated, a cyclist, I love to talk not just about my exploits on the bike, but all of the paraphernalia that surrounds said exploits. I can talk for hours and hours (and hours) on things such as single speed gear choices, the benefits and handicaps of one type of frame material over another, cable disc brakes versus hydraulic, the benefits of going tubeless, etc and all the while sounding very condescending and without even a smidgen of fact or knowledge about said topics.

This ability is mostly due to my years in sales but lately has been honed and refined by time spent in bike shops, scouring the various message boards and internet forums and finally reading every advertisement in every magazine known to man on the topic of cycling.

As a matter of fact, my ability to speak inaccurately on any topic even remotely cycling related, has been enhanced lately by not riding and instead spending my time refining my loquaciousness and my verbosity. (Don't worry if you had to look those previous words up, it's a major part of being a cyclist to use words and phrases that others don't understand, i.e bridging the gap, domestique, echelon and embrocation)

Lately though, I feel like my life as a cyclist has affected my friendships. Granted, you always hear that elite athletes have to sacrifice to achieve their goals, but I have to be honest, I never expected this type of anger and jealousy among my less experienced cyclist friends. It's almost as if my less experienced friends are trying to undermine my expertise by throwing out questions in the middle of my dissertations like, so how far do you usually ride? Or where have you ridden lately? or even more biting is the question, when was your last ride?

These types of inflammatory questions serve no purpose other than to create conflict and as everyone knows, being a cyclist really has nothing to do with cycling. Sort of like being a public servant has absolutely nothing to do with serving the public.

So, how does someone prove their a cyclist? I put forth the following as evidence that I am indeed a cyclist:
 - I own bikes - so many bikes in fact that many people that mistakenly believe I own a bike shop
 - I own (and am willing to wear) bike clothes - yes, the simple fact that I'm willing to wear clothes that make me look like 10 lbs of sausage in a 5 lb casing is proof that I'm committed to my sport
 - I have several large bins of miscellaneous bike parts - if I wasn't so committed would I spend so much money upgrading and buying new parts to replace brand new, perfectly acceptable parts on bikes that never get ridden?
 - I know what GU is and have actually tasted several flavors of this product - (note, espresso love double caffeine GU goes really well with a chocolate old fashioned doughnut)
 - I can name (but not recognize) several pro-cyclists
 - I own, and can walk in, those silly clunky cycling shoes that make you walk like a duck

As you can see, even without actually riding a bike, there is incontrovertible proof that I am indeed a cyclist despite my body fat percentage and sure, I could actually get out and ride a bike, but since I'm already a member of this exclusive group....why would I need to?

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